remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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