A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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