Four minutes until I can fart!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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