He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
