he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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