I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
