Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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