so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
