I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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