we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
