How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
