i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
