what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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