dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
