I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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