when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
