My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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