I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
