my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
