The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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