He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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