I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
