Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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