Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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