dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
