Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
