i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
