We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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