today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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