this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
