Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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