Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
