call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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