I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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