I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
