She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
