You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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