well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
