well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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