Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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