Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
