hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
