Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
