the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
