Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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