your thong is hanging out like whoa
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
