I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
