I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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