Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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