Screwed.edu
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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