Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
