i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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