i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
