Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Vodka?
Forever.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
