captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
