Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
