I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
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I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
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