it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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