I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
