Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
