I wish I could teleport
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
