Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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