I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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