why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
