god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
